The Lord knows who are his own. If you know, be sure that you were foreknown; if you choose, be sure that you were chosen; if you believe, you were created for faith; and if you love, you were formed for love…he reposes in you; and since he attracts you, you recline with him and he feeds you. William of St Thierry: Exposition on the Song of Songs, 5
In this passage, I sense William assuring us that we are understood and that we can only know ourselves in the light of Christ. And so, resisting
self-knowledge even when it is most bitter will do me no good. But so often
fearing the pinch of bitter self-knowledge, I think I have to clench and endure
the hardship as a tough discipline. William’s words take me on a different
route. When I am confident in my belovedness, my heart will be pierced with
sorrow and the desire for the Lord's mercy, as I understand that I have fallen from grace,
seeing clearly that I have turned away from One who loves me more than I
understand.
Our
life of prayer in the monastery, in its regularity, helps to reform me, so that I can begin to see
the blessing hiding behind and within self-knowledge. Within
this place of my vulnerability, no matter how reluctant I am to own it, I discover that the
monastic life is not about my achievement but about my readiness to make my
weakness available to the mercy of God. And so, I keep trying to normalize the falling apart for myself, noticing the fragmentation that is inevitable and welcoming it as grace
and an opportunity for intimacy with Christ. I try to smile and say to myself,
“This will be good for you; embrace it.” I am dumb and wounded, and it’s
tragicomic. I try to remember that there is something truly worthwhile in being
a nobody and screwing up because there is no true humility without humiliation.
And I am relieved of the burden of having to be somebody; I can be nobody and
go down to the lowest place, where amazingly the Lord Jesus is waiting for me. I
constantly go back to the words of Saint Therese: “If you are willing to bear in
peace, the trial of not being pleased with yourself, you will be offering the
Lord Jesus a home in your heart. It is true you will suffer. But do not fear,
for the poorer you are, the more will Christ love you.” I can even rejoice that
I am in need of him who longs to have mercy on me. Meditation by a monk.
